It's okay to not be okay

a.k.a. It's fine to fear

What does it mean to be okay?

Mom sometimes asked me if I'm ok, and every time my response was "I'm okay, don't worry mom!". I know she only asks me when i look terribly terrible, and I'm totally not okay. So to me, it's more of a lie. I've seen people doing the same thing with "I'm okay" as well, but how could it even be a lie when it's too obvious that, it's a lie (got it? like, a lie is no longer a lie when people figure out it's a lie!)

Anyway, let's get back to me, being not okay! As I woke up this morning, the rain was pouring down hard outside. To be honest, instead of feeling great for not having to go to work and staying in enjoy the chill morning in bed, I felt a strange kind of depression. And at that moment of awakening (pun intended. Ha, ha, ha!) I reckoned that I was not okay at all, and i started to wonder what does this obscure 'o-k-a-y' thing that haunts me for so long mean in my life?

I heard a little voice in my head telling me "I want/wish everything to be okay" all the time. I want my life was simple and crisis-free. I want my plans would turn out they way i expect them to be. I wish my relationship was uncomplicated. I wish i could live with my passions of dance and traveling, which i could travel the world and dance at everywhere I go to. I wish I had no insecurities, no flaws. I wish I had my life figured out. I wish I was loved and could avoid all the conflicts and failures... In short. I want everything to be comfortable and smooth, but the thing is, we want/wish for something we don't have, and not having it makes me feel not-okay for sometimes.

If you've read this blog and known me for awhile, probably you knew that I'm stuck in a dead-end relationship with a girl, and I eventually reached a decision of not seeing her, which was kind of against my will, but it would be for the better. The only thing that surprised me was her cry. She has always been a strong woman. She has never showed that she cares, barely! And in our situation, I was supposed to be the one who cried! Her tears cut me deep, to the point that being hit by a truck might even feel better. I embraced her, whispered in her ears that "it will be okay!" as she kept crying on my shoulder. That "it will be okay!" was completely not okay at all. I felt like a huge mess and i guess she was not that better. Or i could have said "It's not okay! I'm not okay, you're not okay, the only thing that is okay here is sweating water through your eyes, and it fucking hurts!". And of course, I haven't been okay since then.

I'm not sure how many people who's reading this have been through their quarter life crisis. I saw the term "quarter life crisis" on the Internet two years ago, and now it's more than 2 days away from my birthday, I can say that I'm experiencing this quarter life crisis at its best. It's all about dreams, expectation and reality. Reality always crushes expectation and dreams. Friends have been asking me how my life has been. Most of the time, "It's going fine/well/okay" was my asnwer, but it's not even that acceptable. How can  being stuck behind the front desk of a hotel, typing my blog at 4am instead of being an emotional writer who sail the seven seas and dance at everywhere I go, be fine at all. I keep telling myself it's okay, it could be worse, but it could also be better.

 Maybe this not okay thing is not because of my quarter life crisis, not because I that I chose not to see the girl i like, not because I'm insecure about things, maybe it's because I'm a human, and being a human is all about being imperfect, and it's totally acceptable. When I start to look around, I find people like me, people who's not okay. And by the end of the day, maybe being not-okay is completely okay, and when someone ask me if I'm okay, I will say "please, do like look like I'm okay?".

I want to be with an artist

Because an artist is free. She's not caged by any hypocritical prison set up by man. She's herself, she doesn't care about the standards that the society build up to judge people. She will see people through the material covers into their soul, and none of the souls are as full as hers. She doesn't have to hide it, she shows it, she expresses it. Her thoughts are her soul. She doesn't need to speak to let it out, yet it's more lively than any spoken words.

Because an artist is creative. There are no boundaries with her. She breaks the law of physics and the logic known to man. In her eyes, there are no limits, even the sky. The artist believes beyond that line is another world that you can only see when you close your eyes. A world you can only feel with your words run wildy, your body moves freely, your soul turns into sound, and you are the color of that world. 

Because an artist is sensitive. Every smallest things in this existence can touch her heart. When she loves, it's more beautiful than any scenery man can ever think of, but when she's hurted, there are thousands of thorns piercing through her skin. Although it's painful and it's surreal, she's thankful for that. It reminds her that she's alive, she still can feel, and as long as her feeling is true, she will burn with all the passion.

Because an artist feels lost. This world is not for her. She's all alone. She knows people, people know her, but who they are. All she sees is the shell of man. She once wore a cover to protect her, and she felt safe with it, yet it's also a burden after time. She took it off and no one recognizes her. She feels more vulnerable. The artist then built her own world where she's herself and no one can hurts her.

Because an artist is a painting, captured on a canvas. She's a work of a skillful hand. The painting was once the attention of the crowd, but then the painter put himself into another masterpiece. She's forgotten, surrounded by shadow. It's the frame that holds her together, and her price is pain.

Because an artist has her flaws and the flaws that made her, made me.

What you should do at my funeral

There's no guarantee in life. Now you're here, the next moment you're gone. I have thought about this thing quite some time ago, yet not letting anyone knows. According to the incident happened lately, I think I should let my thought out a bit. Here's a short list of things I want to have:

1/ Tell lame jokes:

Any kind of jokes, from a nerdy to even a sexual one. Tell as many puns you can think of as possible, I want to keep the mood light. You can tell lame jokes even about me. One example of the lamest joke i can think of right now: "how Anh makes his gf freaked out during sex? He calls and tells her he's having it!". That's too inappropriate! It's just an example anyway!

2/ Get a real band:

I know it's a bit too much to ask for a dead guy but no traditional buddism music band (or something like that) please... A rock band is perfect, but i guess it will be inappropriate for the guests, so, an acoustic guitar would be lovely. A gregorian band with their chants would be nice too, or a choir, if you can afford one! Well, I want the music at my funeral to be epic... Oh i think I know the perfect combination: A heavy metal band with a full orchestral choir! Ok, i think I should be shot even when I'm already dead!

3/ Play this playlist:

Dream Theater's The Spirit Carries On (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-J6PPkKBXoU):"

"If I die tomorrow, I'd be alright, because I believe that after we're gone, the spirit carries on.

Move on, be brave, don't weep at my grave because I am no longer here. But please never let your memory of me disappear."

Sentenced's Lower The Flags (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSpRpH8IcSg)

"Although you're gone, in memories you shall live on.

Asleep... In peace now rest, the weight of the world is off your chest"

My Chemical Romance's Welcome To The Black Parade (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6q0VcgOfIQA)

"We'll carry on,We'll carry on, and though you're dead and gone believe me, your memory will carry on.

We'll carry on, And in my heart I can't contain it, the anthem won't explain it."

Simon and Garfunkel's The Sound Of Silence (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4zLfCnGVeL4)

"Hello darkness, my old friend, I've come to talk with you again. Because a vision softly creeping, left its seeds while I was sleeping.

And the vision that was planted in my brain, still remains within the sound of silence"

Manowar's Swords In The Wind (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOX5Zw2wn24)

"I Surrender My Soul. Odin Hear My Call. One Day I'll Sit Beside Your Throne In Valhalla's Great Hall

Like So Many Before Me, I'll Die With Honor And Pride. The Right Of A Warrior Forever To Fight By Your Side.

Send A Sign, Raise The Sail, Wave A Last Goodbye. Destiny Is Calling, Immortality Be Mine"

Dream Evil's The End (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYxIGErjuls)

"What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. God knows I'm strong, so strong.

Life has no guarantees, take nothing for granted. It's nothing new under the sun. Life must go on!"

Manowar's Courage (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JfQmUcHwhMw)

"So for now wave good-bye, leave your hands held high. Hear this song of courage long into the night.

And the wind will bear my cry to all who hope to fly. Lift your wings up high my friend, fearless to the end"

Requiem For A Dream (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yl6RZmM77zQ&feature=related)

I just love this song. It sounds both gloomy and epic. Imagine when people bringing my coffin to the burial ground to this song... Okay I said too much...

4/ Carve funny lines on my tombstone:

Here's some suggestion for my last words that you can carve on:

"I'll be back!"

"I told you to cut the red wire!"

"There's free wifi down here guys!"

“Hulk not dying! Hulk is the strongest there is! Hulk SMASH puny Grim Reaper! Puny Grim Reaper makes Hulk mad!”

“These are my last words”

"See you during the Zombie Apocalypse!"

"New scientific fact: 100% people drink water die. Don't drink water!"

"Here lies Anh. He forgot his gf's birthday once, ONCE!"

...

I think that's enough for my requirements. Please share the happiest memory you have with me. Promise me that you will be strong. Let's face it, if you live you will die. It's just a matter of time. It's not how long you live, it's how you have lived!

What you should do if she likes you and you like her

(or An Open Letter To My (Ex) Girlfriend's Future Boyfriend)

So you two are together now, and she seems to be happy with you. To be honest, I'm not sure if I should be happy or sad, but I hope she has found someone like me, because it means you love and care for her without conditions, of that I'm glad! I want to see her happy, even if it could hurt me, so here are some clues and tips for you:

Take her out for food. The shortest way to a woman's heart is through her stomach, but it's not easy. If it's not her taste, it will backfire on you. She loves seafood, especially snails, oyster, chilly crab, octopus... I doubt the seafood will be that easy to find and  taste the same here, but it's your best bet to her heart. Seafood is a must, even if you don't really enjoy it! I would also recommend sushi and ice cream. Any kind, but it must be good stuffs. This woman has a subtle taste. After that two, you can choose any kinds of food you would like to take her to, but she's allergic to peanut butter. Keep that in mind if you don't want to change partner, or you do!

Take her out for drinks. She's one hell of a drinker. She loves wine, likes beer, and always up for a cocktail. Happy hour is the key to save your credit cards, and be ready to engage in drunk conversations of which she has no memories the next day. Carry her home when she's too drunk to be on her own and put her to bed. Be prepared for not talking to her for 2 days straight after due to the hangover.

Spend time do things with her: take her to where people tell her the future, she's pretty superstitious, take her to a movie, take her on a random road trip to the place where you two have never been, go on holidays with her, care for her, cuddle her, hold her, kiss her... but respect her own space and privacy. She's damn independent. She needs time on her own, A LOT, for doing things she likes, meeting people she loves. When she says she's busy or wants to be alone, leave her be, don't force her to do the other way round or question it!

Be ready for some 'hot and cold' moments. She's a Gemini, and a Gemini is a bit....split personalities. They're like two different people in one person, so don't freak out if suddenly she turns, cold, with you. She doesn't hate you, it's just another person of her. She's also quick tempered. You better not to push her or do/say anything stupid or you will see hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn.

Basically that's it. You will find out more and will have your own ways of making her happy. I've both done and experienced that for more than 8 moths, and will still be doing it if I see her again and she hasn't found you. But if you hurt her, i don't know who you are, but I will look for you, I will find you, and I will beat the shit out of you (insert Liam Neeson's line from Taken here).

You've Got New Message

It takes a huge deep breath and some courage to type her name in the search bar on Facebook. 

There she is, same profile picture, same information, no relationship status, just like when we first met. Try not to look through the posts on her wall. Oh, she has something going on with her laptop, maybe you could help, wait, she said she couldn't see you at the moment, well, nevermind!

Move the cursor to the "friend" button. Should I unfriend her? No, it would be too immature. Unsubscribe to her newsfeed update would do the trick while making yourself not to look like an over-reacted emo (and no, I'm not an over-reacted emo, I'm just sensitive sometimes). Uncheck on it. Mission accomplished. 

Delete all the texts received from, and sent to, her, while attempting not to open any in which you told her how you could still feel her soft lips on yours and she called you a beautiful man. Consoling yourself it's like cleaning out your closet. They were your favorite clothes, you once loved them, but now they're old and unfashionable. 

Now to the weirdest part, clearing her memories from the dating site, where we knew the existence of the other. But before doing that, shouldn't we remember how it happened between us, to believe we had a brilliant time(that's what she said) and it was good whilst it lasted.

Revisit her profile. Still 5ft 7, curvy, and love to look after people with the same old interests. Opened the inbox. Heart skips a beat when seeing the first message you received from her. Remember how surprised you were when you found out she's from where your ex is, and decided to go on a blind date with a stranger without knowing neither her face nor her phone number. Check on all of the messages between us, it's surely like cleaning out your closet, but this time, it's your shoes cabinet. 

Vaguely remember the first everything. Remember how great you felt after the first date with her, your first roadtrip, your first night together. Remember how happy your were when she rested her head on your shoulder while watching Jeremy Renner hitting and shooting people in the cinema. Remember when you held her hand walking on the street at 1am, both half wasted. Remember the first dinner she cooked for you. Remember how she broke all your rules of not kissing people on the first date and sleeping with them on the second one.

Trying to find an explanation why she ended up with you out of nowhere for no reasons.

It's ok to let your heart breaks a bit. You're made of flesh. And telling yourself it's karma. Life is fair. You hurt people, people hurt you. 

The notification button on your dating profile changes color.

Take a deep breath and click on it.

You've got new message!

Things We Said

Me: "...Then the psychic told me we will eventually end for good in August"

Her: "wtf is end for good? People only end for good when they die. If you end with me for good, I will come and shoot your asses off!"

Her: "The weekend of 25th and 26th u have to hang out with me all weekend! Just letting you know"

Me: "Yeah, i will give you the best last weekend ever"

Her: "Is that a promise?..."

-hours later-

Me: "How drunk were you last night?"

Her: "Sooooo drunk! Haven't been that bad for ages..."

Me: "Just to make sure you still want me to hang out with you when you're sober"

Her: "yeah you still have to!"

Me: "What will you miss most about the city?"

Her: "Probably you and Liz..."

Me: "Let me know if you're still single until 31, and if i'm still single as well, i will marry you"

Her: "yes, you should, please... But I have the feeling you might settle down with a 'normal' British girl before me. No one can stand my moody personality!"

Me: "I've been doing that for almost a year already"

That's what she said! 

An Open Letter To My Future Girlfriend

Dear Future-Girlfriend,

I don't know who you are, I don't know how you look like, I don't even know if you exist or not, but I hope you do, because I'm looking for you! I don't want to grow old alone with my future-dog. I don't ask you to be my future-wife, yet, maybe, but I do hope we will enjoy each other's company when i find you.

I'm neither looking for a very serious relationship with full commitment, nor an open one. I will like you, alot, I know, and you will like me, hopefully, but it doesn't mean I will definitely settle down with you and we will end up marrying to each others. I won't get married until I'm at least 28, and life is full of uncertainty. You may leave me, or I can't go on with you, but whatever the reason is, I will do my best to make you happy while we're together. That's the "full commitment" part I believe. Did I say I'm not looking for an open relationship. Yes, I do mean it. I won't go flirt and date and sleep with other girls, even when I say we're not serious, and i hope you would do the same, although if you mean to cheat on me and decide to cover it up, I don't think i will have a clue, but hey, we should have faith, shouldn't we.

I hope you're an independent person, oh god you must be, otherwise I would not choose you to be my girlfriend. I love to spend  time with you, i truly do, but you're not everthing I have. I also have my family, I have my friends, I have my hobbies, I have my own space, and I believe you have yours as well. We don't have to see each other everyday, and please don't check up on me 24/7. Do things you like, see your friends... I respect your privacy, and I hope you will respect mine. We do not only need times together, but also apart from each other. Distance makes the heart grows fonder, remember?

Do you like...art? I used to be a student of Art, and I'm some kind of artsy person. Please tell me you do read. My favorite author is Paulo Coelho. I will also try not to judge you through your taste in music, but my heart will die a lot if you like Justin Bieber, Nicki Minaj and K-Pop. And I'm thinking of buying a wedding ring in case you can list the names of D.C and Marvel's characters, you tell the exact event happened in each episodes of Family Guy and/or How I Met Your Mother, you tell me you love The Lord of The Rings, and you do ballroom dancing. All combine, and i will propose to you straight away. 

You are normal, aren't you future-girlfriend. I mean, you're not a stalker who will do the exact things in the song "Every Breath You Take" by The Police: every breath you take, every move you make, every bond you break, every step you take, I'LL BE WATCHING YOU. It's not romantic, love, it's creepy! You're also not a drama queen who's willing to make a big mess out of one missed call. And finally you're not unstable and bipolar. I don't want to go through an emotions roller coaster ride when you tell me you love me today, and you say you can't see me the next morning out of nowhere for no reasons. I prefer a peaceful drive with you. Oh, forgot to mention, you will definitely gain a huge plus if you're into sport, traveling and adventure. I always enjoy backpack traveling and exploring foreign lands with my loved one.

There are things you should expect. I hope you don't mind if I kiss you in public. I repeat, kiss, not making out! I like you, I'm happy when I'm with you and I don't mind showing people the affection. I will hold your hands, embrace you and kiss you, simple as that. You should also expect intimacy between us. Ok, it's sex. I don't date you because of the sex, actually I can never date someone for sex only, but I believe it's a part of the romance. Intimate times between us will make the bond grows stronger, of that I'm sure. 

Last but not least, you must be able to drink. You enjoy a pint of beer, a classy glass of the Sauvignon Blanc, and a crazy shot of Tequila. I'm not an alcoholic, we will also do the coffee. Have i mentioned I know some really good coffee shops around, or you should totally take me to your favorite restaurant.

Ooh, that's quite a letter! This is thing I've learned in my early 20s dating life: Keep your standard high and expectation low. I hope you don't freak out after reading my letter, future-girlfriend. Now one question for you: Who/Where the hell are you?

With much love,

A.