a.k.a. It's fine to fear
Mom sometimes asked me if I'm ok, and every time my response was "I'm okay, don't worry mom!". I know she only asks me when i look terribly terrible, and I'm totally not okay. So to me, it's more of a lie. I've seen people doing the same thing with "I'm okay" as well, but how could it even be a lie when it's too obvious that, it's a lie (got it? like, a lie is no longer a lie when people figure out it's a lie!)
Anyway, let's get back to me, being not okay! As I woke up this morning, the rain was pouring down hard outside. To be honest, instead of feeling great for not having to go to work and staying in enjoy the chill morning in bed, I felt a strange kind of depression. And at that moment of awakening (pun intended. Ha, ha, ha!) I reckoned that I was not okay at all, and i started to wonder what does this obscure 'o-k-a-y' thing that haunts me for so long mean in my life?
I heard a little voice in my head telling me "I want/wish everything to be okay" all the time. I want my life was simple and crisis-free. I want my plans would turn out they way i expect them to be. I wish my relationship was uncomplicated. I wish i could live with my passions of dance and traveling, which i could travel the world and dance at everywhere I go to. I wish I had no insecurities, no flaws. I wish I had my life figured out. I wish I was loved and could avoid all the conflicts and failures... In short. I want everything to be comfortable and smooth, but the thing is, we want/wish for something we don't have, and not having it makes me feel not-okay for sometimes.
If you've read this blog and known me for awhile, probably you knew that I'm stuck in a dead-end relationship with a girl, and I eventually reached a decision of not seeing her, which was kind of against my will, but it would be for the better. The only thing that surprised me was her cry. She has always been a strong woman. She has never showed that she cares, barely! And in our situation, I was supposed to be the one who cried! Her tears cut me deep, to the point that being hit by a truck might even feel better. I embraced her, whispered in her ears that "it will be okay!" as she kept crying on my shoulder. That "it will be okay!" was completely not okay at all. I felt like a huge mess and i guess she was not that better. Or i could have said "It's not okay! I'm not okay, you're not okay, the only thing that is okay here is sweating water through your eyes, and it fucking hurts!". And of course, I haven't been okay since then.
I'm not sure how many people who's reading this have been through their quarter life crisis. I saw the term "quarter life crisis" on the Internet two years ago, and now it's more than 2 days away from my birthday, I can say that I'm experiencing this quarter life crisis at its best. It's all about dreams, expectation and reality. Reality always crushes expectation and dreams. Friends have been asking me how my life has been. Most of the time, "It's going fine/well/okay" was my asnwer, but it's not even that acceptable. How can being stuck behind the front desk of a hotel, typing my blog at 4am instead of being an emotional writer who sail the seven seas and dance at everywhere I go, be fine at all. I keep telling myself it's okay, it could be worse, but it could also be better.
Maybe this not okay thing is not because of my quarter life crisis, not because I that I chose not to see the girl i like, not because I'm insecure about things, maybe it's because I'm a human, and being a human is all about being imperfect, and it's totally acceptable. When I start to look around, I find people like me, people who's not okay. And by the end of the day, maybe being not-okay is completely okay, and when someone ask me if I'm okay, I will say "please, do like look like I'm okay?".
If you've read this blog and known me for awhile, probably you knew that I'm stuck in a dead-end relationship with a girl, and I eventually reached a decision of not seeing her, which was kind of against my will, but it would be for the better. The only thing that surprised me was her cry. She has always been a strong woman. She has never showed that she cares, barely! And in our situation, I was supposed to be the one who cried! Her tears cut me deep, to the point that being hit by a truck might even feel better. I embraced her, whispered in her ears that "it will be okay!" as she kept crying on my shoulder. That "it will be okay!" was completely not okay at all. I felt like a huge mess and i guess she was not that better. Or i could have said "It's not okay! I'm not okay, you're not okay, the only thing that is okay here is sweating water through your eyes, and it fucking hurts!". And of course, I haven't been okay since then.
I'm not sure how many people who's reading this have been through their quarter life crisis. I saw the term "quarter life crisis" on the Internet two years ago, and now it's more than 2 days away from my birthday, I can say that I'm experiencing this quarter life crisis at its best. It's all about dreams, expectation and reality. Reality always crushes expectation and dreams. Friends have been asking me how my life has been. Most of the time, "It's going fine/well/okay" was my asnwer, but it's not even that acceptable. How can being stuck behind the front desk of a hotel, typing my blog at 4am instead of being an emotional writer who sail the seven seas and dance at everywhere I go, be fine at all. I keep telling myself it's okay, it could be worse, but it could also be better.
Maybe this not okay thing is not because of my quarter life crisis, not because I that I chose not to see the girl i like, not because I'm insecure about things, maybe it's because I'm a human, and being a human is all about being imperfect, and it's totally acceptable. When I start to look around, I find people like me, people who's not okay. And by the end of the day, maybe being not-okay is completely okay, and when someone ask me if I'm okay, I will say "please, do like look like I'm okay?".
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